Ruby Rose - Girl Adventurine

I'm an Oke. (Hi! Nice to meetcha.)

The people of my clan are rugged individualists who step over the Line into Sheer Perverse Bloody-Mindedness about once a week. It is just our little Way.

And this week, my Line-leaping involves (don't say it too loud! don't! whisper! shhhh!) THE WHOLE OVERWEIGHT AND FATNESS ISSUE.

Just for the record: I am a person of considerable determination and willpower. Should I truly wish to redefine my body size and shape, the only thing likely to stop me would be a bad case of fatal death.

So when I catch sight of myself in a mirror (happens about 5 times a day) and think "oh gleep"; or after the nine-hundred-THOUSANDTH person says something about it or gives me a helpful little article or points me at a website or mentions a Weight-Loss Scammy Organisation, or wonders if I've ever heard of x. wonder product or treats me like my brain has gained weight too or condescends to me in a poor-thing-she-HAS-let-herself-go oh fuck fuck fuck fuck OFF YOU BASTAR.....

(sorry, I started foaming at the mouth a little there. ahem)

......you think I would be able to summon the demons of obsession and get to it.

Except the following has been happening:
1. I try and Eat Nicely and Exercise
2. Something deep inside me starts running around yelling "Don't panic Mr Mainwaring! Don't Panic!"
3. I suddenly must eat many many things from the Saturated Fats food group
4. I gain weight.

Now, I know many women talk about yo-yo dieting and all that, but they at least have a decent crack at it. I hit point number (2) about three and a half days in.

I don't know what (2) is all about. I truly don't. The best I can articulate the feeling is that I don't like the idea of there being less of me in the world.

So, being perverse, determined &etc, here's my solution:

I'm not going to think about THE WHOLE WEIGHT AND FATNESS ISSUE.

As much as anything, I'm stopping so I can still fit into my size 26 stuff. Another cycle round and I won't and clothes bigger than size 26 is tricky to find.

The plan being: eventually the reason for (2) will float up to the surface and I can see it, grok it, and try to work with it.

So: as far as I'm concerned, it's someone else's problem. (Actually, I am beginning to suspect it's been other peoples' problem all along).

And oh, mate, you have GOT to try it - the amount of mental energy you free up is phenomenal.

Here's the things you don't have to give a moment's time to anymore:

Fretting about clothes
- worrying about the fact that you used to wear smaller ones
- being annoyed you don't have the range that the smaller sizes do
- being frustrated about how the clothes look
- being annoyed at how much they cost and how hard they are to find
- worrying about dressing to minimise your lumps and bumps
- worriedly looking in a mirror at the effect and being depressed about all the above points all over again

Fretting about food
- should I be eating this?
- should I be SEEN to be eating this?
- fuck that - should I even be eating?
- what are people thinking about me if they see me while I'm eating this?

Fretting about one's body
- gad! look at me! I'm so....unsightly (this comment has been toned down for those of delicate constitution)
- I will never ever have sex again
- Much in all as I would like to
- Or could my fragile mental state withstand the..the..(aaaargh) of being naked with someone else?
- my body moves differently, and it feels odder and odder
- am I going to get arthritis from the weight on my joints?
- If i lose weight, will I turn into the saggy-baggy-elephant?
- I'm tired. Why am I always tired? Oh god I feel 542 today.

Incidentally - those were just the edited highlights.

On a loop. Like, all the freaking time.

So I have been squashing these thoughts. all of them. They pop up, I squish with a LARGE MENTAL MALLET.

And there's suddenly a beautiful, beautiful silence. There's nothing IN the silence. Not yet.

But I am very interested to find out what might eventually turn up.

And now I am off to wine and cheese and biccies, then home to do a little more house-cleaning.

And still enjoying the quiet.